Local News articles

Dalai Lama Visits Derry

Dalai Lama Visits Derry

The world renowned spiritual leader of Tibet, the Dalai Lama, is visiting Derry today in a historic event that some local taxi men are describing as “Ye wha?” “Never heard of him” said an excited Doledrop McLaughlin when we caught up with him in queue of cars headed towards the Peace Bridge. “But this fucking

IRA STEP UP WAR ON RUGS

The perils of leaving school in third year were painfully clear again last night, as members of the newly formed Financial IRA, mistakenly went on an anti-narcotics rampage following a minor typo in a text message to operatives. The group, which claims to be against all forms of illegal & harmful substances being traded on

Youths No Longer Spelling E’s on Street Cornors

Ordinary Drry folk ar living in a stat of far, following last wks dissidnt shootings by th nwly formd trror group, th Financial IRA, or ‘Supr RA’ as locals now call thm. Normal citizns ar now so afraid of bing targtd by rpublicans claiming to b anti-drugs champions, that thy hav stoppd using th fifth

Police Fear ‘Super RA’ Have Gone Back to the Drawing Board

Local police fear that dissident republicans could be planning another attack, after it emerged that a pound shop in Creggan had totally sold out of crayons and big-boy jotters. Detectives are still looking for the workshop where a stolen van was modified recently, in an ambitious Hollywood-style plan to launch deadly mortar shells from a

Panic Stations

Panic spread across the city this week, following the BBC’s announcement that tickets for the forthcoming Radio 1 Big Weekend, would only be available to households with valid a television licence. It is now widely expect that the BBC will receive around 55,000 applications from local people all claiming to live at the same address.

Bishop To King’s Pawn

Gregory Campbell calls for Equality Commission to investigate appointment of Monsignor Eamon Martin as adjutant Archbishop of Armagh. “Not another catholic!!” said Campbell. “Once again no Protestants were considered for a top job in Northern Ireland” he moaned before returning to his own job of figuring out how everything is Sinn Fein’s fault.

Snow Surrender

Northern Ireland became the laughing stock of the world again over the weekend, as die-hard Christmas fans violently protested that Belfast’s Christmas tree was no longer going to be on display for 365 days of the year. Christmas trees, which are only erected over the winter festive season in the rest of the world, have

Culture : New Iron Brew Flavour Now Available…

Up to five Derry bar owners have lodged a complaint about a planned Christmas Market beer tent at The Guildhall Square. Five bars in the area, including The Metro, Downey’s Bar, The Monaco, The River Inn and Tracey’s – have all complained that it would affect their own ability to charge grossly inflated prices for

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