Local News articles

Derry Outraged By Shocking ‘Year Change’ Plan

Derry people made the unusual stance of complaining online this week, following the shocking discovery that the space-time continuum would continue to operate as normal, despite the city winning the 2013 City of Culture. Citizens were outraged to learn in the local newspapers on Tuesday, that 2013, which is understood to be part of a

Mc Court Denies Scoring Simple Tap-in

Former Derry City and Celtic star Paddy McCourt, has today denied allegations that he scored a simple 4ft tap-in, during a recent match at his new club Barnsley. McCourt, a brilliantly gifted forward nicknamed ‘The Derry Pele’ has distanced himself from the vicious rumours, instructing lawyers to take legal action against the referee who awarded the

Local Handbags Threaten Legal Action

Thousands of local handbags are on the verge of taking legal action against Derry women today, following repeated infringement of civil rights and privacy laws by female owners, who continually think its funny to reveal the location of their bag publicly on the social networking site, Facebook. The female trend, of vaguely posting the place

October Derry Court Reports

DERRY COURT REPORTS ~ Legal drama unfolded in Derry Courthouse on Tuesday morning, as twenty two year old Shee-ra Doherty was found guilty of repeatedly eating half of her boyfriend’s Chinese, despite claims she wasn’t hungry. Taking the stand to give evidence, Kam House staff member Pandora McCrossan confirmed that Miss Doherty had never placed

Jobs

Local unemployed people ‘horrified & distraught’ as call-centre Stream announce 1000 new jobs. More news to follow.

Skeltons Found

Newsworthy journalism triumphs again, as clever people with shovels somehow find human skeletons in ground whilst digging at site of ancient cemetery. Indiana Jones remained unavailable for comment.

BREAKING: Dissident Republicans construct Giant Magnifying Glass

Dissident Republicans in Creggan, not to be outdone by the 11th night celebrations, have just constructed a massive magnifying glass at the back of the ‘Heights’. It is hoped the new structure will allow them direct today’s baking sunlight onto distant bonfires, in an effort to spoil proceedings by setting them alight ahead of schedule.

BBC Radio One Big Weekend : Newsfeed

Panic spread across the city this week, following the BBC’s announcement that tickets for the forthcoming Radio 1 Big Weekend, would only be available to households with valid a television licence. It is now widely expect that the BBC will receive around 55,000 applications from local people all claiming to live at the same address.

Northern Ireland News Round-Up

The Protestant Coalition : Northern Ireland Unionists have shown the world that Politics should not interfere with Religion, following the setup of the ‘Protestant Coalition’ – an ‘anti-politics’ party, late last week. Gay Rights : Northern Ireland Unionists have shown the world that Religion should continue to interfere with Politics, following yesterdays ‘No’ vote to same

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