Local News articles

Martin McGuiness Under Attack From Rockets

Martin McGuiness Under Attack From Rockets

A local fast food outlet was criticised by Sinn Fein today, for continually offering to make Deputy First Minister, Martin McGuinness free delicious fast food. The Sinn Fein supremo, who on his wife’s orders has been watching his waistline, has recently come under attack from Rockets at the bottom of William Street. PSNI sources revealed

Local Football Fans In English National Anthem Nightmare

Broadcasting Complaints Commission ‘OFCOM’ today received a landslide of complaints from Derry, after every bar in town realised that the ‘mute’ button on their dodgy Dreambox remotes were faulty, raising concerns that they won’t be able to turn the sound off during renditions of the English national anthem throughout the World Cup. The news has sparked

DUP To Overdub UTV’s Julian Simmons With Manlier Voice

The DUP today announced that they plan to overdub over the voice of UTV announcer, Julian Simmons, in a bid to make him sound more “manly and acceptable”. Leader Peter Robinson told press about the new DUP initiative, which they hope will secure some extra votes in the upcoming election, by showing his new caring

Northern Ireland People ‘Talking Balls’ Claims New Research

Ulster was depicted as a land of broken promises today, as figures revealed by new research, showed that people across the Province are continually saying things they don’t really mean. The report claims that in 2013, on over 250,000 separate occasions, conversations between local people resulted in a spontaneous declaration that both parties should ‘grab

Orange and Green Communities Angry Over Latest Ban

With the European elections just around the corner, and the Giro D’Italia only days away, radical new proposals have been passed at Stormont this week, in a bid to help improve the image of Northern Ireland to the wider world. The new legislation aims to move local communities away from the tribalism of specific colour

Dog Worried As Owner Fails To Come Home

Snowy, the social-media starring pooch of Sinn Fein President Gerry Adams, contacted the PSNI this morning in a state of panic, after his owner failed to come home last night after his walkies. Snowy, who was entirely unaware of his owners detention by local authorities, spent the evening putting up ‘MISSING’ posters around the community,

Stephen Nolan Caught Hiring Voice Actors To Make Bigoted Phone Calls

The Northern Ireland situation ‘is over’ and everyone ‘actually gets along grand’ claims an undercover Ofcom investigator, who has uncovered shocking new evidence that the apparent tensions between Protestants and Catholics in Northern Ireland is now entirely perpetuated by a team of voice actors, who phone into a local radio show to make bigoted rants.

Taxi Conversations Set to Improve as Fares Rise

Taxi conversations in Derry are soon set to improve, after an announcement today that two of the cities largest taxi firms are raising the cost of their minimum fare – by a whopping 30p. City Cabs and Taxi Co’s joint-decision, to raise fares from a reasonable £2.50 – to an eye-watering £2.80, has left many

Call Centre Training Announced For NI Primary Schools

Following months of negotiations at Stormont between politicians and business leaders, the Department Education of Northern Ireland (DENI) today announced that Call Centre Customer Service training will soon be taught in all NI primary schools – starting in 2018. The new curriculum change aims to give children a more realistic vision of the future, and

Gym Couple Who Communicate Entirely Through Mirrors

A couple of gym ‘lovers’ from Newtonards have revealed their relationship relies entirely on the use of mirrors.   Richard Moss and Noreen Daly met at their local Fitness First, where they struck up a solid relationship that continues to grow strong. Richard and Noreen’s flat, from skirting board to ceiling, is covered in mirrors, which

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