Local News articles


Confused tourists angered by £3 entry price at Free Derry Museum

Confused tourists angered by £3 entry price at Free Derry Museum

Just hours after it’s official opening, tourists have admitted they are ‘pure snapping’ that a Derry museum claiming to be ‘Free’ – is in fact charging people £3 to get in.   “They have, how you say?… some neck of brass on them?” complained Spanish exchange student, Juan Titehur today in Peadar O’Donnell’s.   “Three


Derry mammies haven’t made a Sunday dinner since 2014, admit PSNI

Following a huge surge in the popularity of eating stuff someone else cooked and bucked into a black plastic container, the PSNI today revealed that most Derry mammies haven’t made a Sunday dinner in 3 almost years. “Our data indicates that Derry wans are still optimistically buying chickens and spuds on a Saturday!” revealed officer


Ballymac Fryer awarded Michelin Star

There were joyous scenes across Derry today as the Ballymac Fryer became the first eatery in the city to be awarded a Michelin Star. The 2017 Michelin Guide, designed so people wouldn’t have to go on Facebook to ask “Wheres good fer a munch hi?”, was released this week. “Although ze Ballymac Fryer doesn’t haz


Russian hackers threaten to release ingredients of Doherty’s Special Mince

After manipulating the recent US elections, Russian cyber terrorists have accomplished an even meatier technological feat according to intelligence sources, and have infiltrated the Doherty’s Meats supercomputer in Pennyburn Industrial Estate. The powerful server houses the mysterious ingredients for Doherty’s Special Mince, a closely guarded state-secret which only three living people in the world ever


Derry Mas to be ‘tapped out’ soon, warns finance expert

With Derry’s Christmas nightlife scene now well underway, a leading economist has forecast a bleak cashflow prediction for local mammys. “Our research indicates that the majority of December’s wages in the Derry area have already been liquidated.” explained Aidan Subtract from the Carnhill School of Economics. “Mostly in Granny Annie’s, the Bentley and Chill Off


Derry police looking to speak to ‘lunatic’ seen jogging on his own

Derry people have been asked to remain vigilant tonight after several shocked motorists reported seeing a deranged person out jogging on their own – with no other people. “We are not sure what this weirdo is playing at!” said officer Hitec Devlin from Strand Road Police Station, “but we want to speak to them in connection with serious allegations that they’ve broken the law governing outdoor running” Fitness laws in


Mass dobbers ‘delighted’ as Brooke Park re-opens

Thousands of Derry people, most of whom have been pretending to be catholic for years, are overjoyed at having somewhere decent to go again whilst pretending to be at Sunday mass. “The new Brooke Park is class!” said an ecstatic Cursillo Doherty, a 34 year old closet atheist who still blesses herself passing the cathedral. “In


Derry people ‘shocked’ to be living in Derry, claims report

Citizens across Derry were “absolutely horrified” today to discover that they do not live in Florida, according to a report. The revelation came to light earlier after tiny water particles gathered high in the atmosphere above the town, eventually falling onto the city in droplets known as ‘rain’. The disaster struck after almost two weeks