Author Archives: Pure Derry

Ulster confirmed 37% more British following aggressive Twelfth celebrations

Ulster confirmed 37% more British following aggressive Twelfth celebrations

The union between Northern Ireland and Great Britain grew considerably stronger overnight, following 48 hours of peaceful aggressive Britishness by Ulster protestants. London this morning reported that the constitutional agreement between the two landmasses is now miraculously printed on an even thicker 120gsm paper and that the ink looks ‘black as fuck’. Across the province,

MTV fever lands as Derry people lineup for no lineup

Derry dance music fans did something unexpected last night, after they stood in a massive crowd of strangers all night until the sun came up. Tickets for the upcoming MTV concert in Ebrington were released this morning, yet despite no lineup being announced yet for the event, most of Derry decided they’d lineup anyway to get them. The huge queue began

Emotional scenes as last Irish closet factory closes

There were emotional scenes across Ireland today, as the country’s last remaining closet factory announced that it was moving it’s entire operation to Northern Ireland ‘with immediate effect’. Indi-Closets said that the situation was ‘totally unavoidable’, after orders for their closet range suddenly ‘nosedived’ following the people of Ireland’s decision that the colourful fabric of society no longer needed to

House in Creggan Heights set to get a driveway 

After decades of parking on both sides of the road and leaving barely enough space to drive a photocopy of a Fiat Uno around Circular Drive, a resident of Creggan Heights has unveiled a revolutionary plan to build an area outside his house on which to park his car. Locals watched in amazement as 32 year old Plimsole McCormac drove his

Swedish filmmakers ‘extremely disappointed’ by Derry Jizz Festival

A group of amateur Swedish filmmakers who excitedly travelled to Derry for this weekend’s festivities, have spoken of their ‘extreme disappointment’ at the lack of pornographic acts happening in the town’s bars and coffee houses. Adult filmmaker Lars Oale and his crew arrived in the city on Thursday afternoon, after a Scandinavian news channel reported the amazing story of an ‘annual four day

Earth celebrates momentus Grand National achievement

A momentous day today on the third planet from the sun, as the highly evolved ‘Human race’ – renowned for their achievements in splitting atoms, space travel, microelectronics and genome mapping, prepare to watch dozens of dumb farm animals jump over hedges whilst screaming at their televisions. To mark the occasion, special financial businesses have

‘eVRYONE iN dERRRY TO DRuNK TO TPYE’ CLAMs RePROT

Follwing svral hoors of heavi drinkin in twon to celebrake St Pattys day, schintists at Marge Univestry have clammed that ‘Tee entyre popsiclation of Derry is nowe too pihsed to tipe prooperly!” The inkformation fist came to lihgt in cummunications bewteen BT and the PNSI, after the telecorn giant noteicd stagnificant lebels of ‘druknen gibberish’

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