Author Archives: Pure Derry

Mass dobbers ‘delighted’ as Brooke Park re-opens

Mass dobbers ‘delighted’ as Brooke Park re-opens

Thousands of Derry people, most of whom have been pretending to be catholic for years, are overjoyed at having somewhere decent to go again whilst pretending to be at Sunday mass. “The new Brooke Park is class!” said an ecstatic Cursillo Doherty, a 34 year old closet atheist who still blesses herself passing the cathedral. “In

Derry people ‘shocked’ to be living in Derry, claims report

Citizens across Derry were “absolutely horrified” today to discover that they do not live in Florida, according to a report. The revelation came to light earlier after tiny water particles gathered high in the atmosphere above the town, eventually falling onto the city in droplets known as ‘rain’. The disaster struck after almost two weeks

Jesus running a bus to Kellys, confirms Heaven

After a frustrating weekend in which he was barred from going to the pub by his parents, heaven today confirmed that Jesus has “had enough” and is running a bus tonight to popular Portrush nightclub, Kellys for a proper blow out. “Me Da was frying my loaf all weekend” Jesus told us earlier at Foyle

Derry drinkers excited as pub reopens for 17th time under new name

Excitement spread through Derry like wildfire today after it was announced that a pub which went out of business last year because everyone thought it was shite, would soon be re-opening with different name, and everyone thinks it’s brilliant. The concept of the new bar is a closely guarded secret, but local bouncer Paddy Numchucks, who stood at the old bar looking hard as

KFC deny taking sides in Derry/Londonderry debate

Fast food chain KFC have today denied any political bias in their Derry/Londonderry operations. The statement follows ongoing reports from around the city that their Drumahoe franchise is “far nicer” than their drive-thru on the Strand Road. “The KFC in Londonderry is literally about ten times nicer than the one in Derry” said Creggan man, Chris P. Wings. “I usually skip mass on Sunday to drive over

‘Jog In The Bog’ inspires citywide outbreak of puntastic gymnastics

Following the success of the creatively named ‘Jog In The Bog’, Pure Derry has learned that wannabe entrepreneurs across the town are muscling in on the act and setting up rival fitness events with similar crap yet sorta brilliant names. Lycra Doherty, organiser of ‘Wearing Leggings In Creggan’ told us that the Bogside run had inspired her to get off her arse

Local comedian’s gig cut short after constant heckling by Kevin Bridges

A performance by some of Derry’s finest unknown comedians was tragically cut short last night, after their hilarious set was ruined by award-winning standup, Kevin Bridges. The group of funny fuckers had been painstakingly preparing for the gig all day yesterday, after local paparazzi spotted them leaving Drinx off-licence at lunchtime with a litre bottle of vodka and 24 cans

Tens of pounds worth of stock lost in Poundstretcher blaze

Fans of cheap instant coffee, plastic storage bins, budget energy drinks and oddly coloured bathroom mats were left distraught today, after news emerged that fire crews had been up all night tackling a huge blaze at super-random-discount-market, Poundstretcher. Three floors of Poundstretcher stock were decimated in the fire, a loss which the company’s auditors have estimated to be worth a staggering £32.50. The PSNI say the merchandise had