Local News

runner

Derry police looking to speak to ‘lunatic’ seen jogging on his own

Derry people have been asked to remain vigilant tonight after several shocked motorists reported seeing a deranged person out jogging on their own – with no other people. “We are not sure what this weirdo is playing at!” said officer Hitec Devlin from Strand Road Police Station, “but we want to speak to them in connection with serious allegations that they’ve broken the law governing outdoor running” Fitness laws in

World News

osama

US drone strike imminent after “Bin laden with explosives” security alert

The west-bank of Derry is due to be decimated in a US drone strike later today after US military intelligence picked up PSNI chatter confirming that a “Bin laden with explosives” was the cause of a major terrorism alert in the city. In an emergency press conference General Lance Boyle told awaiting press, “We thought we’d killed the beardy hoor, but he’s

Politics

bonfires-ireland-the-twelfth.si

Ulster confirmed 37% more British following aggressive Twelfth celebrations

The union between Northern Ireland and Great Britain grew considerably stronger overnight, following 48 hours of peaceful aggressive Britishness by Ulster protestants. London this morning reported that the constitutional agreement between the two landmasses is now miraculously printed on an even thicker 120gsm paper and that the ink looks ‘black as fuck’. Across the province,

Entertainment

taps

Derry drinkers excited as pub reopens for 17th time under new name

Excitement spread through Derry like wildfire today after it was announced that a pub which went out of business last year because everyone thought it was shite, would soon be re-opening with different name, and everyone thinks it’s brilliant. The concept of the new bar is a closely guarded secret, but local bouncer Paddy Numchucks, who stood at the old bar looking hard as

Fiction/Religion

jesus easter egg

Another Easter Spoiled for Chocolate Lovers as Christians Hijack Festival Again

Confectionary lovers across the world were again outraged this weekend, after groups of religious fanatics hijacked Easter’s annual festival of Chocolate – to promote their own selfish cause. Easter, traditionally a time of year when families gorge on millions of overpriced chocolate eggs, has in recent years been marred by groups of opportunistic Christian zealots,

Sport

joginbog

‘Jog In The Bog’ inspires citywide outbreak of puntastic gymnastics

Following the success of the creatively named ‘Jog In The Bog’, Pure Derry has learned that wannabe entrepreneurs across the town are muscling in on the act and setting up rival fitness events with similar crap yet sorta brilliant names. Lycra Doherty, organiser of ‘Wearing Leggings In Creggan’ told us that the Bogside run had inspired her to get off her arse

Top